Nobody knows what they are doing!

2017 was such a tough year. It was a year of pain which later became growing pains which later brought us closer to our true selves.

Somewhere in all that pain we had to figure out if we were going to stay there, or if we were going to grow from it, if we were going to realize what the lessons were that needed to be learnt.

Among the many things that happened last year, one issue that remained constant was my undeniable desire to find out what my purpose is here. I felt an empty space, like I know there is something more I can do, but I had no idea what that could even be. I felt very inadequate. I searched near and far; reading, listening, asking, wondering if I should go back to school, researched universities until 5 a.m. and woke up in a state of panic every other day feeling like I missed it. Feeling like I missed life.

I felt I would have to get some questions answered by the end of the year, because I was going to force myself to get them. During slow season we close for almost a month, I decided to go to Florida for that time. Prior to that my plan was Bali, then Peru and somehow Florida became my destination because it all became a matter of – I just need to leave. I had so many things I could get done there, for a small business I wanted to open because I didn’t want to start 2018 the same way I started 2017. Just before I was scheduled to leave, two very catastrophic hurricanes hit most of the Caribbean and Florida. It was very scary to even watch them form and destroy. Everything with my plans changed. My flight was booked, but my plans fell through. I decided I would still go, with no plan. Figured I’d put myself in the most uncomfortable situation, I would have had to learn. 

While I was there I noticed my friend, Shaina, whom I met vacationing in Belize, started to make efforts to help Puerto Rico. I was eager to get to her to help, I knew it was something I should do, especially since I really wouldn’t have possibly been doing anything better with my time. This experience was by far one of the most fulfilling things I have ever done. I live in a place prone to hurricanes, I knew about experiencing hurricanes and how tragic and destructive they can be. Here I learnt to value my home even more (if that was even possible). I also learnt that I am way more capable than I thought and I helped people by doing so. I will forever be grateful for that experience and I thought this is it, I am right where I need to be to help me find the answers to my questions.

That wasn’t all,  I had another really huge awakening coming my way. Just two days before my return to Belize, a friend of mine lost his family in a car accident. This is what I came home to. This is one of the saddest occurrences I have ever seen someone experience in my entire life. It changed me. It took me weeks to feel feelings again. I saw life in a different way. I had always been grateful but my new found gratitude is nothing compared. Everything, every moment, every word became more meaningful. Another thing that happened is that all my problems disappeared. Everything I was worried about disappeared all of a sudden and I felt like I was reborn in some way. Nothing teaches you about life, more than death can, nothing.

After all this, and in combination with everything that happened, after becoming more and more observant, while continuing to do my work. Whether it was meditation, podcasts, reading, praying, writing, expressing myself, asking for advice or whatever way it came…my realization became that no one here even knows what the fuck they are even doing. Everyone lives their own unique life, dealt many different hands, go through many different experiences that allowed them to be exactly where they are right now. You can’t really know, nothing is for sure and everything is temporary. 

There is no same experience, as much as anyone can tell you what they did to become successful, and yes take this all into account, just remember that your story is different. You can’t compare yourself. From every self help book, to everywhere I search for enlightenment the key advice is to live in the present moment. Because that’s all we know that we have.

Ever since I have let go of the search, everything seems to be falling into place. I am not pushing against anything, I am happy to be where I am while at the same time opportunities I couldn’t have imagined are now presenting themselves. And that’s it, then we just have to continue to make the next right move and then the next right move (Oprah said that). 

Complaining and finding fault only separates you more and more from the things you desire. Don’t push against your reality, embrace it, and then good things will happen. It’s also best to not worry about where you’re going because, in the blink of an eye everything could be gone and you would have wasted your time worried about where you were going instead of enjoying what was right here, right in front of you.

When it comes to purpose, I feel we all serve many different purposes in many different phases in our lives. Our legacy is in the lives we touch (Oprah also said that).

We will all always be a work in progress, there will always be room for improvement. Although in my last post it might seem I was being hard on myself,  I had already gone through the motions and forgiven myself. I wanted my family to know that I was aware of myself, and I wanted my friends to know they were not alone. I am a lot more carefree than ever before and can feel myself making those next right moves. I am having the time of my life and I will continue to screw up. So many unexpected things have happened and we must take it in strides. Cross the bridges we need to cross when we get to them. I also now realize how frivolous so many things are. Frivolous, for instance, being concerned about what anyone else thinks of you, these aren’t things to be taken personally.

I can go on about this and I will but for now all I am saying is, Let go. Enjoy your time here, If you think there’s a chance that something you want will come out of it, take the chance. If you feel it’s right then do it. If it fails, let it. If you were wrong, now you know; It’s probably what you needed. And then if you want to give it another chance, give it another chance. If you have something to say, say it, especially if it’s nice. It’s your life, don’t waste it wishing you did something or another. There aren’t any rules, no one knows what they’re doing either, we’re just learning as we go.

In all of this, be clear on your intentions, be kind and be grateful for everything, take the good with the bad.

And for all we know we could very well just be some alien experiment anyways 🙂

Take it easy

Natasha Stuart


4 thoughts on “Nobody knows what they are doing!

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