Irrational Expectations from Friends

Life happens, we make friends, we date people, we fall in love, we make mistakes, we act before we think, we piss people off, people piss us off, we break up, we make assumptions, we forget that “it’s not about me.”

Despite that, often times we make it “about me” and well that is just irrational, especially because it’s emotional.

I recently had a run in with “irrational expectations.” I was hurt because I wanted my friends to feel the way I felt about a particular person and situation. A situation that I made out to be dramatically worse than it actually was. I built a story in my mind with a few tools (Past experiences, facts, a bunch of pieces of stories, assumptions, intentions, emotions, rumors) and because of that story I became emotional – anxious, angry, sad, lonely etc. I started feeling like I was under attack.

Like I said, I made the situation way bigger than it is at all, I didn’t stop to breathe, I just went to town on the story I was telling myself.

Then, I was expecting my friends to react a certain way to someone because of how I felt. This was stupid, really.

Luckily I have friends that are rational and realistic. They didn’t add fuel to the fire, they let the fire out. They gave it to me straight. They know not to get involved in matters that lie in between two people. Because one day I can feel this way and the next I can feel another. Sometimes you find out more and realize you were wrong or misunderstood the situation. Maybe you thought they would do that thing to you because you’re projecting, and really it’s something you’d probably do. It would be unfair to expect your friends to go back and forth in this with you.

If you have real friends, they will have your back, that’s a given. And if you have good friends they will respect people. And if you are a good person, you shouldn’t want anyone to treat anyone with disrespect, or to hurt people, especially if it’s because of something you THINK is happening and because of your emotions.

This is your problem, your friends are there to listen and give you advice but they aren’t there to dislike someone or even like someone just because you do.

After they know what they know about the situation they can take it upon themselves to decide how they want to treat it.

It’s a matter of treating people the way you would like to be treated and it’s a matter of putting yourself in other people’s shoes.

How would you feel if the tables were turned?

I am not talking about people who intentionally are hurting people –  If someone intentionally hurt my friend, you best believe that person is no friend of mine. In part because you did that to someone I love and in part because you showed me who you are.

There’s a difference between people who sincerely do not care about being hurtful and people who honestly messed up.

Another thing is that there are three side to every story.  

It’s irrational to expect people to take on your personal troubles with other people. If they decide to do that they inherit your burden. You shouldn’t want that for your friends.

Go through the processes. Decipher what you know is fact and what is hearsay. Understand what your roll is in this. Why do you feel this way?  Where you are coming from, is it a place of jealousy or hurt? is it a place of anger, is it because you are trying to convince yourself of something? 

Have you tried talking about it? Did you even listen or did you already make up your mind on what YOUR truth is?

Also, forgive for the apologies you might never have gotten, forgive yourself too and remember these things, they are not about you.

And lastly…

“You don’t fight hate with hate, you fight it with love”

 

*All this advice is really for me, but maybe it’s for you too.

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